The ABCs

Two of my oldest friends are gay. They are a bit older than me, and for some New Year's reason I was thinking of them. B is the one I've tried to stay connected to. And A, too - because what's a B without an A.

When I met B at DePaul it was pretty clear she did not like men very much. I couldn't blame her. I guess I decided to show her it didn't need to be an absolute. I'm not sure why that was so important to me, but it was. I guess my plan was to enter every window she opened.

And I did. Sentences again.

Sentences were the first window. She seemed to approve of what I read. I think we talked about that, but it was a long time ago. Maybe what we talked about was other people - people we worked with - we both liked M, our boss at the library.

I started writing and she approved of the first writer who took me under her wing - this writer, C, (I swear the A and the B and C are really these women's first initials) was also gay. The world only seems like it is rich with coincidences. I think it is something much more mysterious than that.

B started editing my stories - pushing me to say what I mean and not to just sound pretty. It's still something I struggle with. When C arranged for me and a couple of other writers she had under her generous wings to give a reading at a local bookstore it was at B's house where I sat nervously waiting to head over to Women and Children First, the bookstore where I was to read. B gave me a half of a Xanax which I took but I'm not sure if it made any difference. I was still anxious. But we went and I read and it was okay as the things we fear mostly are.

That led to a fellowship at Sewanee and more readings and a lot more stories. B is still one of the first to read a finished story. She still encourages me. So many years. Such a good person.

I'm not sure where this has led me except to be thankful for the people who have pushed me to be honest in what I write and how not to be afraid to say what's in the heart. Say it on the page. Say it in life.

Sometimes this gets me in trouble - sometimes it has me saying things to people that they might be surprised to hear. Sometimes it surprises me. I admit I like to see the surprise.

The other night I wrote to S, a new friend. I told her some things that had happened a long time ago. I had never told anyone these things before. But I wasn't thinking about that. I guess I wasn't thinking. And that's okay even if now I am slightly embarrassed for sharing these things. But that will have to be okay too.

The heart doesn't often lead to trouble - that's more of a mind thing.